Recently in one of the on-line programs I heard the words: “Unavailable men are sort of an epidemic of our times”. That really hit the cord for me and I stopped to think. The more I looked at majority of the love stories I knew, the more that statement struck me as being almost shockingly accurate. I looked back at my own romantic experiences too and yes, I sure did see the flow of relationships where sooner or later I had to find out that the man I was with was in one way or another either “wrong for me” or unavailable. They were very different people in very different circumstances, but between all of them there were two common denominators: emotional unavailability and myself. Now, that true shared love is very real in my life, I am ready to talk about this.
From where I presently stand I still have ways to go. Only now I’m finally learning to do and be the things I’ve read about, heard and known in theory for so long, yet they remained elusive to me as I had no real “practice ground”, only glimpses, mostly theory… I’ve preached this for years, yet I’m finding out that living it with someone real, someone who is available, someone with whom there is no “need” to teach, convince or chase is a whole different ball-game altogether…and truth be told: it’s scary.
I’m learning what it is to be available, open, truly vulnerable. I’m learning to speak about the deep down things that intimidate me the most. I’m learning what true love and acceptance feel and act like. Or should I say – re-learning all of it from the whole new platform, the whole new level of consciousness?
Today I want to share how I became aware of my own struggles with emotional availability. And, mind you, just like the rest of us – for years I believed that it was not myself, but the guys I was attracting who were unavailable… Because, how could you possibly recognize yourself as “unavailable” to the very thing you want the most – long-lasting true love?
I am facing the patterns, the habits and the beliefs that, turns out, have been with me, a part of me forever, yet I’ve never recognized them as symptoms of my own unavailability. It sure was easier to blame others and to complain how all the people I attracted were “emotionally unavailable”… But why was I with them to begin with?
I dug and dug, I looked for the answer in healing sessions and teachings and self-work. I was determined not to give up till every stone in my subconscious mind was turned. As a result I uncovered and healed a lot of “dark corners” and childhood wounds. But I still didn’t truly see how my unavailability was playing out in my life.
Then a very special man “just showed up” in my life and all of a sudden I got to hear the voice of my own unavailability – screaming! The voice of judgment that wanted to list all of his “imperfections”. The voice of fear that came up with sabotaging “stories”, scenarios and ideas. The voice of “reason” that wanted to point out all of the “obstacles” in our way. The voice that was relentlessly telling me that my errands came first, that my work came first, that to-dos came first, that walking the dog came first. The mocking teenage voice that laughed at me and shamed me and pointed out that wanting love was almost “embarrassing”, that it wasn’t “cool” to think of love, because there were so many other things to think about – things way more important than Love! And also that there was so much – so much!!! – to be done every day first; first – meaning before I could possibly create any time or space for Love in my life.
I observed myself facing my own struggles to let go of meaningless tasks and spend time with the man I loved. Then I observed some more as my mind kept screaming and trying to pull me back into my routines; telling me I was “wasting” so much time with him and offering to put ridiculous errands, like shopping and laundry, on top of my priority list and to do them during exactly the hours when he was available.
And should I even mention constant urges to side-tack my attention by checking social media and starting conversations with other people during my time with him?
I got to observe my own internal turmoil, the pull in two opposite directions: my Heart pulling one way, my well-trained, scared monkey mind – the other…
I observed my deep-rooted mental conditioning that my important “real life” was one thing and my “love life” – something completely different; something separate from “real life; something I showed up for once in a while when the mood was there and all of the aspects of the “important life” were already taken care of.
I had to sit myself down in meditations again and again till I really got the whole picture: this was not about “reality”, “responsibility” or “importance” of things, this was my own emotional unavailability freaked out by the presence of the very thing I’ve been asking for my entire life.
And boy, was I surprised!!!!
I am sharing this as it happens to be my biggest discovery of the moment. I’m sharing this so that I could tell you the following – trust me: it isn’t them, it’s you. People we attract mirror our internal emotional states, and between all of our “failed” romances there is only one common denominator: us.
If all the people we are attracting seem to be “unavailable” or “wrong” in one way or another – we need to seek the root of our own emotional unavailability. We need to find the dark and hidden corners of our subconscious minds that hold the keys to our availability and we need to heal. And when the next romance starts we need to stay awake and determined to see – really see! – and to also change our own patterns, choices, relationship habits and beliefs. We need to practice the new way of being and we need to heal some more. And then the incredible love story that will inevitably “just show up” in our lives will most certainly blow our own minds.
Here is an excellent Teal Swan’s Interview on Soul groups, romantic relationships, attraction, Soulmates and healing journey