2015 was, arguably, my best, most successful year ever. I felt I had crossed over the threshold of my own resistance into the Shangri-la of success doing what I love.
But I noticed at the end of December, that I felt really, really tired. It made sense after all, I must have pushed too hard to become the best version of myself for all the world to see! Maybe I just needed to relax a bit and let my energy contract and integrate. But over the next few days I could feel my body shutting down, entering into a fatigue that was beyond needing normal rest. It didn’t feel like regular adrenal fatigue either, it was different.
This fatigue was actually familiar to me. I remembered back to when I got mononucleosis in college, and I didn’t get it from kissing someone – unfortunately, I got if from being completely worn out. Surrounding that time was several years of emotional torture, ranging from a long, drawn out parental divorce, to a succession of heartbreaks and betrayals that left me questioning my desire to live. Piled onto that was an art school work load. A little known secret: people in serious art schools clock in more hours of work time than those in medical school – not making that up.
When I felt into that time the only thing I really wanted was for it all to stop, I needed an exit but there was nowhere to go. I wanted to die, but I had no real language for that, I mean you can’t say those kind of things in college or before you know it you have some ill trained guidance counselor shoving suicide prevention rhetoric at you. I’ve also always believed in reincarnation, so I knew I would have to come back and try again but with harder lessons, so I opted to smoke a lot of pot, keep going and work harder.
But I should listened to my soul, my heart and to my body. Because everything did need to stop, and everything was really too hard for me to handle, and I needed a break, and I needed God desperately – but I had too much homework.
When I think about my clients who suffer from Fibromyalgia, or Chronic Fatigue, there is always an unconscious alignment with an energy of death. In fact, often you can feel the pleasure in this friendship between death and the person – as if it is their little secret, and quietly, underneath it all, they can just slowly leave, just slowly let it all go.
But why was I dying now?
I didn’t really know, because yes I had pushed it at the end of the year, but I was happy with my life and was taking time out for self care.
I decided not to think about it too much and just listen, besides, I really wasn’t up for a chronic illness. So I decided that I would stop resisting and just let myself die. Without a lot of forethought, I went and lay down on my couch and crossed my arms over my chest as if I were going into a casket. Aaaaah. I surrendered completely and let death take over. Sweet relief, everything stopped, everything was so quiet. There was no pressure. There were no goals, no lack of goals, no doing, no being, just dying. For two hours I went into complete peace, into the deep, black void of nothing.
I don’t remember anything in those two hours but peace. But, I believe what happens in this void is total alchemy. The spirit goes home for a bit to check in, to recalibrate, and to bring back more energy than before for the next chapter of life on Earth.
Shamanic deaths, at their core, are ego deaths. A part of the psyche must die for a new part to be reborn.
I couldn’t help but entertain the thought…. What if we were able to approach these mini-deaths as a natural part of life instead of resisting them and getting sick? What if we understood that every time we advanced in our lives, that a part of the psyche must die, must return to Source to be rejuvenated? What if we knew there would just be times when it was time for a change, and we let it happen without fighting it? Or if I think back to my college days, what if I had known there was another option besides fighting on when I didn’t want to – when I needed a break, when I needed to die so I could be with God?
We are so afraid of death in our modern lives, we don’t realize that it’s a reunion, a rejuvenation, an integral and ongoing part of birth and life to keep us connected to our Source.
After my mini-death at the end of 2015, I slept like a baby and my energy levels returned. I did not develop a chronic illness, but my dying wasn’t over. Over the next few weeks I died a few more times. I questioned the meaning of my life a lot, I felt a huge disconnect from my former life that was so fulfilling. It was really disorienting, but I knew in those times of uncertainty to just let go and let God in a whole new way.
Every time I let myself die, I would see that another great had crossed over, like David Bowie, Glenn Frey, Alan Rickman and so many others that were making their transition. I noticed my clients were also being asked to die and resurrect rapidly. No one could really say what was going on, but wonky, bizarre and weird were common words. It is in this way that I know my experience wasn’t all about me, but also about a collective death and resurrection.
And then one day I knew it was complete. I felt ready for the next chapter in my life, things felt as normal as they can feel during an ‘ascension’ lifetime and deep excitement and creativity welled up from within.
2016 had begun and I was alive, clear and ready.