Ok, so suddenly sexual abuse memories are coming up for your lover.
What do you do? Here are ten things for you to do that will eventually make her (or him ) wild for you if you can actually do them.
1. Realize that the reason these memories are surfacing for her with you is that your lover feels so deeply safe and truly loved by you, that their unconscious knows you are the one person who can help them transform from sexual abuse into loving sexuality. So take it as a great compliment! Your presence in her life makes her ready to heal. That is why she suddenly shudders, feels like she cant be touched, shouts out …don’t take any of that in, its not about you in the bad way…its about your love instigating spontaneous healing!
And so she will really heal especially if you can be there fully.
2. The law of cure in the Ancient five element Chinese healing system states “illness must come up and out in order to leave.” So your second job is to quietly just witness the abuse coming up and out. Do nothing!… but witness with love, all the trauma leaving. It might seem like everything is getting worse but actually rapid healing is happening the worse it looks, so compassionately listen, and validate her feelings, but remember you are only the stimulus ,you are not making her feel bad! She is doing her healing work…she is in charge of herself. Trust her process.
Ways to witness by holding space: hold your beloved as she cries, respond to her requests. Reflect back to her that you see her shinning purity glowing brighter under all that pain that is coming up and off her. The more she lets it up and out the more radiantly beautiful she is! (Never put her down. You are privileged to be allowed to see her deepest pain!She is so generous to share her truth with you like that! You will become such a better person, more loving lover, more compassionate healer because of her. Her vulnerable release of this story is a great gift to you. Let her know you know this! Hold space safely by being present without any pressure for her to perform or judgement so that all the memories and body shakedowns and emotional breakdowns are allowed to come up into the conscious world out of the unconscious where they have been secretly poisoning your beloved.
People might argue at this point “that is too much for him to have to do! She should get a therapist!” Definitely, both people could use a therapist. But only if the therapist is a sexual abuse specialist and a feminist. However my personal journey showed me that the damage in me was too deep for western psychology to touch. The love of my actual beloved and Shamanism were the medicine that actually touched the level of my spirit where the wounding was still so alive. No amount of talk or mental understanding was ever going to change it. Mental work was only necessary to help me identify the healing that needed to happen still. And therapy gave me the language to articulate my needs. But I also found that to truly heal sexual trauma I needed to experience my healing within sexuality itself. My greatest healers where my loving lovers.
3. Put aside your own sexual desires and needs completely for the time being. Why is this so absolutely necessary? The woman has been used by men in her life to satisfy very selfish motives. To survive she has had to be self sacrificing. She has developed enormous power of giving (way too much). She also has developed either protective bitterness or altruistic forgiveness. But the forgiveness is also by necessity since many of her abusers were care givers of some kind during dependent years.
Realize that if you can’t put aside your preference to have some pleasure and connection with her in just the way you want it when you want it on your time table or on your terms….she will not respect you. You will go into the same category as all the other ones who were there out of lust greed and narcissism. After all she has learned to do without if you cant show the ability to walk through the desert you are not yet her equal. And if you feel entitlement and a sense of impatience you will be experienced by her as a child who never had his right of passage from mommies num num!
Do not barter with her for your preferences at all ! This is not a competition or matter of preferences
and preferences.This is a matter of necessity. If you do this right all the way you will win her heart forever and help free and heal her and you will win the jack pot of devotion! You will be the first one to totally show her real love! She will never forget this! In fact because so many others have failed before you when you succeed she will attribute super human Godly powers to you (which you may or may not deserve). But these attributes she associates with you will actually make you more of a super human! Actually Her faith in you will make you much more of yourself than you ever believed you were capable of.
I know of a man who’s young wife started to spontaneously heal multiple rapes she had endured in the 60′ in the “free love” movement that was really tough on gorgeous women like her. She suddenly had no interest in intimacy with her husband and consequently they went to therapy to solve “Her problem”. The therapist ridiculously suggested her husband give her only two weeks without pressure to have sex to allow her space to feel her feelings and heal. But the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He said he had to have an appointment with her once per week minimum to meet his physical desires regardless of how she was feeling. And the therapist allowed this to “be fair to the man” that’s bull shit! There are thousands of compromises women are making all day to live in a world men have set up. To be fair go on a healing journey and receive the power of her truth only then will men even begin to understand what fair is!
She never recovered her love for her husband after this. She could never do her healing work. To keep the family together and children safe she put up with his ultimatum. But he was no longer a man to her. After he refused to care about her healing needs he became like a selfish child and pathetic date rapist to her. She did her duty from then on for many years but for obvious reasons she no longer felt loved.
Don’t make this mistake!
Give her two years to heal and if you really surrender it might go more quickly. But two years gives breathing room for a huge healing transformation to happen. Why rush something so miraculous? This strong powerful intense journey is worth all the sacrifice! In fact its worth it not only for the outcome but because the healing work you do with her affects you both and every one around you. In and of its own sake it is totally fascinating! You will be fed to overflowing with a waterfall of intense devotion after you prove yourself worthy.
4. Create your survival kit.
So how will you make it? What will sustain you?
You are in love and so hot for her and yet sometimes she is responding as if you are a criminal!
You need a survival kit that nourishes you all along the way.
Ideas for your survival kit:
a) A mens group
b) Regular massages
c) The gym or anything really physical
d) Partner dancing with lots of women who affirm your masculinity
e) Tantric practices and meditation on your own
e) Regular time in nature
f) A therapist
g) Really opening to what she wants to give to you how she wants to give it.
h) An intention agreement with your beloved with goals and time frames you both feel good about.
i) Get in touch with a spiritual cloak of protection that you invoke every time you enter into sex with her. You do not need to be protected from her, She is totally pure and beautiful, its the aggressive violence that was injected into her that she is releasing that never was hers…as it is leaving her is not yours to take on in any way (every time you are close together in any way Healing is happening because of the great power of your love together) imagine together how this aggressive energy is leaving (so it doesn’t go into you)
Is it flowing into the Earth? Up into the sky? into the hands of your God-/Goddess?
5. Let your sexual energy flow freely! Love yourself have no fear! You are not there to use anybody! You are there to share real love! Your sexuality is this alive river that is directly connected to bliss. Your love and lust and sexual energy are all one with Divine worship of the feminine! Right? Be ready with deep patience to love yourself more deeply than ever. Be prepared to surprise yourself with how deeply caring you are! This healing crisis could last only two months or up to two years.
If you really put her first ( while inwardly putting yourself first by choosing this journey for your own reasons with all your heart ) she will completely heal in the radiant sweetness of your love. Once you gain her full trust in your love She will actually be able to experience her own energy and your energy purely with a strong sense of her own pleasure. Part of her healing is that she doesn’t fake pleasure or sublimate her truth ever again. So she will always need to communicate to you her true wishes. Get used to that . at first she may be really blunt But she can work on trusting your compassion and her own desire and heart wisdom. Soon she will communicate very lovingly…even the hardest things….because you are such a loving and responsive friend!
6. Reach and penetrate her heart with your spiritual phalus’ blossom. Her heart is the sacred door to her yoni. If you can open her heart wider and wider day by day….you will find ways to make her smile and laugh, her lips of her face will also start to open the lips of her yoni! Through laughter! Make loving her in the way she wants to be loved your top priority. Love her spirit and heart first. Offering your humble worshipful mind giving her respectful acceptance all along the way will Gain her trust by absolutely respecting the boundaries she gives you.
But don’t go over board making up more boundaries than she asked for. She doesn’t want to be a nun. She wants to get to the place where her sexpot vixen is flush with new found confidence with you!
Then you may be able to touch and cuddle a lot…penetrate her spiritual yoni center with your unconditional love. feel the goodness of this basic animal sharing of simple friendly physical touch. Totally affirmative caring touch all along the way that does not become sexual is a huge trust builder. Then when you both agree to enter sexual energy, Love her body in ways she asks for or that you are inspired to offer. Send beautiful prayers to her body as it is. Sometimes there is self loathing that she may be going through. Show her that you love her for who she is as a friend. Reassure her that you will stay with her now where she has always been alone. Hold her hand a lot! Hug a lot!
7. Practice female centered Tantra together. Keep your sexual energy strongly flowing towards her. Do this energetically mainly without culmination of your physical pleasure during the agreed upon healing time period . If you learn what heals and what triggers her…and you do what heals a lot, she will be able get to the place of eternal Kissing and breathing back and forth. This is very fulfilling for both people. I am so moved and changed by the times my beloved has entered tantric kissing.
One time, I entered a healing kiss with my lover that went on and on for about eight hours. Our kiss started in the morning and when it finished it was dark outside. we were in such an altered state we wondered how did that happen? were did the time go? We were hooking each other up to something super charged with magic. There was no need for any other sexual act to feel totally fulfilled. Since then this kind of kiss along with Tantric dance, has become where sexuality lives for me.
Understand that your sexual energy flowing healthy and strong is the river she is being carried upon into self transformation. So when terrible memories surface for her because of some way you touch her that stimulates the memory….trust your beautiful sexual flow and at the same time yield and bend. When I needed this my partner at the time took my bad memories personally and he could never return to me with his sexual energy again. He had brought me into total trust and the ability to heal once and for all but because he took my memories and pain into himself and identified with it…he felt defiled and also saw me as damaged goods from then on. He spoke of me as a broken person and had no faith in me or himself…he used his anger and frustration against me and all hope of him being my healing partner was taken away. BUt you are ahead of the game because I am sharing all this with you. I failed for you,now you dont have to. I also healed for her, now it will be easier foe her! This is the way our ancestors have given us paths for our next evolution!
8. Look at your own trauma: How does it dovetail with hers? Whats in this whole thing for you? Is it powerful to feel like her hero shaman? remember she is actually healing herself (you don’t actually get much credit ) but enjoy consciously what you are getting out of the difficult part of this. (sometimes these things you get out of her pain are hard to admit and if keeping her wounded is in there so you can feel powerful, be sure to let go of that one!) Ask your self how you will use this to become more of your self in a very powerful way? what is she giving you you never had before? How is she inspiring you to grow? Everything you offer to her you are offering to yourself.
You will heal your inner child as you heal with her!
For example, when I was little we were very poor. My mother loved books but we couldn’t afford more than a few children’s books and the library was far away .The books she showed me that had great pictures touched me deeply as an artist and had a huge impression on me. But there was sadness there because my childhood room was lacking many little wishes that would have brought me delight. So when my daughter was born I showered her with everything I missed, and so does her grandmother to this day. We are both completely healed of this past poverty by what we see my daughter receiving!
9. Then when you both agree to enter sexual energy, Love her body in ways she asks for, or with permission gently in ways that you are inspired to offer. Tell her how beautiful she is with your energy. Remember her eyes will tell you everything. You need her eyes, she needs your eyes so you can really soul connect! But once again focus entirely on her with no agenda of where you want things to go . Take nothing personally that feels bad, take everything good right to heart! Make her totally right no matter what happens. If she makes you wrong seek who wronged her but don’t take it on, just deflect and change tactics. Love the wildness of the healing adventure! Acknowledge her great courage in her willingness to be remade in her adventure with you! Acknowledge your great courage to be remade too! You guys are awesome!!!!!
10) Ask Spirit to guide everything. Try and fail and try and succeed, Yet do what the Dagara people of Burkina Fasso do; blame all roadblocks on Spirit not showing up strongly enough. Invoke spirits help with great conviction once again and demand more help! And know you are blessed by the unconditional love that you are tapping into (that is you and beyond you) This great big unconditional love carries you both! Remind each other of this often! And every five days re-invoke spirits help in a little ritual you make up together.
You have already succeeded simply by being brave enough to consciously engage in this journey together. You are also becoming great healer leaders for your community because of your hard sacred work on behalf of everyone. The healing you find is exponential and heals everyone who encounters you both! The great blessing of each others devotional dedication allows you to make it through..strong! Whole! More Alive! Peace filled! Courageously Honest! Free!!!Sweet! Safe! Purified! Love filled to overflowing! So radically present!
Much love and fun to you…yes fun, I mean it have fun, its blasphemous but totally ok!
Note: What qualifies me to write about this?
I am not a psychologist.It is the journey of healing my own sexual trauma with much help that has taught me many things. The lovers and Nature spirits and Shaman who healed me, the mentors and therapists who guided me, the Goddess who claimed me, and my own radiant enjoyment of sexual energy.
How now I flourish in ways I never dreamed possible for myself. The absence of being taunted painful memories. Then there is also the 16 years of trying many things that did not work and only made things worse! These are my only qualifications.
So from my heart to yours. This is a perspective that comes from my own direct experience.
In the voyage of healing of course we are all responsible for our own journey and its outcome. We heal ourselves by how we respond and act upon the world. But this is also a western belief. In more nature based heart connected societies there is an assumption that we all need each other. When we get energy from the outside of us it is profoundly uplifting and valid to want more help!
However sexual healing it is very much a co-collaborative process to heal. This is due to the way sexual trauma comes up in the act and with our lover. There just inset any way through but through! You can talk and visualize and do healing sessions, but in the end it is in love making its self that the healing really takes place. And it must be love making…
Remember! To Heal there needs to be real love there, sex wont help at all on its own merit. Unconditional love from both people must be summoned. The kind of love that puts each other first. The problem may be that the one who has been abused has become an expert at this. Her truth may be buried so deep it will take great courage for her to put herself first for the first time in her life. And if the man has grown up like many men do in this culture putting her needs truly first will be a first for him too…its about time for both!
To help you both step out of the endless loops of trauma-karma , I offer you a wrinkle in time. This mandala I painted can be used as an energetic porthole through which you can jump when ever you feel stuck. It leads directly immediately to your personal bliss. Meditate on how you feel when you no longer feel related with any trauma. Feel the joy of your wholeness. Let this porthole draw you into your bliss, then jump into it with all your willingness! Do this as a meditation often with your healing partner or on your own. Feel free to download this image and use it in your meditation space for this purpose.